Justice

Christi and I had a conversation about children recently that bears repeating.

Me: Don’t you think you’ve had enough experience with poo that when you have kids, they’ll be born without colons or something, so they produce absolutely no poo?

Christi: Yeah, you’d think I was owed that, right?

Me: Or maybe you can even out the justice in the universe by taking your kids to the local library to poo on the carpet there.

Christi: Oh yeah! 'Mahhhh-ahhhm, I gotta go pahhhhh-teeeeee.' “Okay, everybody in the car. We’re going to the library! Okay, go ahead, honey. Take a crap right there. I’ll cover you. Go!”

Me (laughing): “And no wiping! This is a library, after all!”

Christi: “No, just wipe yourself on the floor. That’s what it’s there for.”

Me: “Got dingleberries? Just scrape them on the shelf over there.”

Christi: Yup, someone left me crap on a shelf on my first day of work. I should have known that was a bad omen.

Me: That shit was going to follow you everywhere after that?

Christi: Uh-huh. And it has.

Okay, maybe this wasn’t appropriate conversation in a crowded Olive Garden, but I laughed so hard it hurt.


Not that long ago, Christi and her boyfriend signed a lease and they’ll be moving in together. This is a move that makes her a little nervous, and one day her boyfriend was a upset and wounded that she didn’t seem to be as excited about the upcoming cohabitation as he was. I giggled and suggested she should take her enthusiasm and crank it up to 110%, only she should start raving and gushing about how excited she is to have her own place finally, and how long she’s waited to decorate the entire thing in pink, with glitter, unicorns and rainbows everywhere. I told her to really crank up the cheese factor and juvenile dreams of pastels and gumdrops all over so that he’d panic and wish for her to be a little less enthusiastic. It could work!

Recently, she did just this. They were searching for home décor items and walked into a Target, where Christi promptly started squealing and giggling, and then skipped around in place, wanting to know where the glitter department was. Her boyfriend quickly asked her what the hell she was talking about and she explained that she really wanted to put glitter on all the walls and decorate with big, pretty unicorns. He started freaking out. She pushed it more and began searching for glitter paint and the unicorn aisle in Target, really taking it to the next level and talking about where she wanted what unicorn, and where the big rainbow would go. He was horrified. HORRIFIED!

Christi is vindicated.

She may get stuck with an unfair amount of poo in this world, but occasionally she comes out of a struggle on top. It’s true she is the recipient of much shit, but when she dishes it out, it’s almost beautiful.