Pissed Off

I want to know what the fuck is wrong with people!

Look, we’ve all heard the stories about what you can catch from a public toilet, and while most of that is far from true, what you can and do bring back from the public bathrooms is E. coli. But guess what: unless you ingest it, you should be okay. So will someone please tell me something? Why-oh-why are public toilet seats and the floor surrounding them so often doused in urine? If you’re so fucking afraid of getting anywhere near a public toilet seat, then go in the bushes, people, because a one-foot ring of pee around the floor of a toilet, and big, yellow splashes of it all over the seat tell me that you pretty much just dropped trou’, bent over slightly and pushed. Could you be more disgusting?

Sure you could. You could have dropped trou’, bent over slightly, and pushed out a big log of poo, too. I’m sure that happens more often than I wish to know.

What in the fucking fuck possesses people to pee all over the fucking place because they don’t want to touch anything and they can’t hold it? Just because you’re in a stall does not mean you can just pee up the fucking walls! Should we take the toilets out completely and just have a gaping pit of waste in each stall, so you can just lift one leg and give your guts a good squeeze, in the general direction of the hole in the earth? Would that give you more comfort? Because if it’s a fear of toilets you have, then let’s just leave you to the waste pit and restrict access to toilets to those of us who use them as they are intended.

Would it fucking kill you to raise the seat, if you’re not planning on using it anyway? Seriously, I’m a germ-o-phobe, but even I recognize that the seat is for sitting, and if I don’t want to sit on it, I should find a way not to make matters worse by pissing on the fucking seat. And the puddle on the floor – that just scares me. How fucking far away must you hover in order to pee all over the floor in front of the toilet? Are you even in the stall? Should we be checking you for stall-door concussions? Do you practice the hula while peeing? How did you not just fucking pee all over your dropped drawers? Or is it okay as long as it’s your own piss staining your clothing?

In the name of cleanliness, what vile soiling of the environment are we allowed to do before the irony pisses all over us?

Look, I know men have bad aim, and I know they seldom give a crap that they’ve just sprayed urine all around a toilet bowl, but I expect more from women. Not because they’re better or cleaner or more respectful, because they’re not, but because the plumbing does not favor distance peeing, and we should all fucking know this by now. How long have you been peeing? When was the last time you were able to piss your fucking name in the snow using an exact, fine-point spray? Fucking never, that’s when! So what in the fuck makes you think you should go into a bathroom that everyone shares and try to piss out a stream of pee into a hole when you’re facing away from it? Not that you’d have better results if you were facing the toilet and straddling it, but there is pretty much zero fucking chance of you hitting your target if you can’t even see where it’s going. Two quarts later, you stand up straight and see that you either didn’t go the distance, or you threw some curve into it, or what felt like a narrow stream turned into a wide-range sprinkler, and then what do you do? What does one do when they sully up something that isn’t theirs? They walk the fuck away and pretend like it never happened.

Not your job, huh?

Well, I’d like to make a suggestion to all of you fucking hovering ho-bags who can’t pee anywhere near the fucking toilet.

Don’t bother peeing in the stall at all anymore! Got that? I mean it. Pee anywhere else, because if I’m walking down the grocery store aisle and there’s a puddle of pee, I’m walking the fuck around it and likely not cursing you as bad as I am if it’s the only stall in the public washroom that isn’t clogged, and you spread your blanket of pee all over the place. So, pee wherever you want EXCEPT in the stall! Pee in the parking lot. Pee in the grass. Pee in a fountain. Pee wherever you want to pee that I won’t be pulling my own pants down so I can pee after you do. Just do the seat-users this one little favor, would you? If you won’t use the toilet correctly, don’t use it at all.

You know what’s the worst of it all?

These are probably the exact same people who don’t wash their hands after they pee all over the place, too. You just LOVE to share as much of your pee with as many people as you can, don’t you? Is that the overall goal? Do you think your pee is so wonderful that the whole fucking world should experience it in as many ways as possible? I fucking hate you! You don’t deserve to have the ability to pee on anything. Your pee should be strictly regulated and accounted for. Your freedom to spread pee should be taken away and replaced with some kind of catheter that you have surgically implanted and can only be emptied by a licensed pee-dumper. You have abused your peeing power and it should be taken from you!

Okay, that’s my rant.

If you’re a sloppy pisser, piss somewhere else and leave the toilets alone. Fuckers.