Peripheral Observations

Okay, now that the near nervous breakdown threat has passed, there are a few things I have to point out here, peripherally related to the election.

* * * * *

Despite my promise to myself to watch Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert cover the results, I got sucked into the technology of CNN’s coverage. (But they reran it, and it was hilarious.) I had been joking earlier about the fact that blogging through the event was obsolete and that if you didn’t tweet your thoughts, they weren’t worth sharing. Yet, there we were, watching these massive touch screens, with gigantic graphs and graphics popping up in midair, holographic interviews taking place, and perhaps only one or two on-sight interviews with bad audio, which clearly was from all that outdated crap that every other news network uses. Dude, color me impressed! Even if they chose to waste the holographic interview on a celebrity who was less than eloquent, it was still a cool feature, and my mind raced with the possibilities.

Here’s my theory. CNN’s tech people rock. Their tech people don’t run that kind of software and hardware using Windows. Their tech people don’t make the kind of money that the tech people I’ve worked with at my job make, and therefore they are either leagues better, or leagues more inspired, or leagues better funded. My money is on the latter. Essentially, my library will never get touch screen technology with expanding graphics the size of a linebacker, nor will we have the privilege of interviewing the great unwashed from the privacy of their own homes via a holographic and scentless beam. This awesome technology gave me a look on my face that probably would’ve passed for catatonic, but that was largely due to the open mouth and dripping drool. If I want to play with touch screens and talk to holograms, I’m going to have to apply for a job at CNN. That was so cool! I just might.

* * * * *

If CNN can have a holographic interview, why can’t Minnesota count their senate votes quicker? Will someone please help them?

This morning I asked my brother how the hell long it takes to count the damn votes.

He said, with all seriousness, and in the very best impersonation of The Count from Sesame Street, “One! Ah, ah, ah, ah! TWO! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!”

I PEED MY PANTS.

* * * * *

Thanks to election night, Nancy Grace FINALLY shut her big fat mouth about the Caylee Anthony case. JEEZE, how can any one person obsess about this one case for so freakin’ long? How can Headline News allow this to continue? It’s been less than 24 hours and she’s right back at it tonight. When do we get to vote her out? Someone please, offer Headline News something to take her place and talk about something, anything, else. Please. There is a reason no one else is covering this with such depth – there is NO NEWS ON THE SUBJECT. Maybe we could get a program to air every single night to discuss passionate theories and interview insiders about the Kennedy assassination, or the whereabouts of the Jamestown settlement, or the real cause of the Chicago Fire. On second thought, perhaps there should be some kind of rule on news networks that carry the word “news” in the title, which precludes old news and reminds folks just what the word “news” means. Yeah, that would be helpful.

* * * * *

Doggie Extraordinaire is a Nader supporter. My brother and I had numerous conversations about the candidates for many weeks and months leading up to yesterday, which Doggie E. cared little about. However, whenever we mentioned Nader, he’d cock his head to the side with interest. My dog is an Independent. His tail wags both ways and he cannot be pigeonholed into any oppressive party platform, as his concerns and beliefs are not fully covered by any one party. Namely, the edibility of cats and rodents in his own yard was not discussed, nor was there any mention of the war crimes committed against canines of all genders and proclivities by countless groomers across the country. McCain and Obama didn’t debate the definition of a “dog” as it applies or does not apply to breeds like Yorkies or Chihuahuas, and neither addressed the desire of the dog to name him or herself. This would ultimately do away with embarrassing names like River, which constantly reminds a proud dog that he pees way too damn much. I can see why my dog was concerned and why Nader appealed to him. Maybe in 2016, Riv. Sorry.