She Will Math You

There was a very impish lad sitting at one of the adult computers tonight and I did not believe he was old enough to be doing so. Wanting to bust him for using someone else’s card, I looked up the computer user and tried in vain to determine his age from his birthday.

Me: He was born in 96, so he’s 14, right? No wait, 24. No! 14! What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I do mental math anymore?

Marina: Don’t ask me. I’ve never been able to. I have to use a calculator, or there’s a screen you can click on and it will actually tell you the patron’s age. Look.

She showed me and it was the first time in my 17+ years that Sirsi actually impressed me, so I smiled.

Me: That’s awesome! Thank you! So, anyway, he’s 14 and I guess he actually is old enough to be using our computers. Color me surprised.

Marina: Yeah, me too. When he turned around and I saw his face, yeah, he could be 14, but from behind he looks like he’s 8.

Me: I’d rather not confront him anyway. It’s not worth it. But it’s great to know that I don’t have to hurt myself with the mental math anymore.

Marina: I know. I can’t math.

Me: What? Did you just turn “math” into a verb? You can’t do that!

Marina: Yes I can! I totally can!

Me: Nuh-uh, “math” is not a verb!

Marina: Yes it is. I may not be able to math, but I can English.

That became our favorite quote, on the spot.

Me: ARMS! Did you know that Marina thinks she can just turn the word “math” into a verb. She says she can’t math well.

Arms just chuckled and Marina got that puffed-out chest stance that dared this big, gigantic man to disagree with little ol’ her.

Arms: You guys are like Smurfs then.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Arms: Well, they substituted regular words and input “Smurf” instead. They would “smurf” this or “smurf” that.

Me: That’s not what we were doing.

Arms: Poor Smurfette, though.

He jumps around in conversations like this often. Sometimes you just have to pretend like you understand and not ask. Guys with big muscles focus on things other than linear and logical thought patterns.

Arms: Just one chick with all those guys.

Me: Lucky girl!

Arms: No, not lucky! Do you know what a nightmare that had to have been?

Marina: Yeah, I’m with Arms. Did you SEE some of those guy Smurfs? Ew.

Arms: Yeah, she was completely abused, you could just tell.

Marina: I think you mean she was completely “smurfed”, don’t you?

Touche!

At some point while we were yakking with Arms, a woman walked into the library carrying her shitzu-poo-poo-doodle-something dog in her arms.

All three of us saw this at the same time and Arms vocalized our thoughts for us.

Arms: HUH!?

He took off after her and moments later he was escorting her and her fluffy little pet out the door. When he returned he was laughing.

Arms: She said the reason she brought the dog in was because there was no sign saying she couldn’t.

Me: Oh, so we need a sign for everything now?

Arms: Apparently she thinks so.

Me: Once we had a guy walk in with a huge iguana on a leash sitting on his shoulders. The guy said he didn’t know he couldn’t bring it into the library. DUH! I said, “Unless that’s a seeing-eye iguana, it’s got to go.”

Arms: Oh, I’ll have to remember that one!

I spent much of the night trying to imagine what kinds of signs we’re supposed to have posted out there so that stupid people know they cannot do it in our library.

No setting your hair on fire?
No stabbing?
No flying squirrels?
No cars?

I mean, where does it end?

Patrons. Totally smurfing nuts sometimes.