Bits 'N Pieces

Me: Do you ever listen to "Lovelines" on the radio?

Bro: No, I didn’t know that was still on the air.

Me: Yeah, Adam isn’t on it anymore, but the guy Mike who is on now is pretty funny. Not like Adam, but good in his own way. I love when they play Stinky Pinky.

Bro: Do I want to know what that is?

Me: It’s a long story, hard to explain, but it’s not what you think. It’s a game of clues and rhyming words, and it’s great when callers have true Stinky Pinkies, but so many of them just don’t get the concept of rhyming, or their clues are so ridiculous you can’t really play. ANYWAY, I bring it up because it’s re-reinforcing my love of Dr. Drew.

Bro: Oh?

Me: Yeah, he’s brilliant. How is it he can diagnose the most disturbing problems over the phone with little or no information to go on?

Bro: Like he knows what herpes sounds like?

Me: Hahahaha, no I mean someone will call up and say he has a girlfriend who farts during sex, and Drew will know that the caller is an alcoholic because his mother was an alcoholic.

Bro: Really?

Me: It’s amazing. It’s like a game. Girl calls up and says she has a papercut on her nipple and Drew pulls shit out of thin air: ‘Molested by an uncle, in the basement, with a candlestick holder,’ and she’ll go, ‘Whoa, how did you know that?’ It’s kinda spooky.

Bro: [laughing] Did you just turn that into the game Clue? The uncle? In the basement? With a canclestick holder? Did you just say that? Because that’s really disturbing.

Me: [cracking up] Yeah, but that’s what he does! He rocks. I love listening to him.

Bro: [between laughs] You’ve ruined Clue for me. Thanks.

Me: All the credit goes to Dr. Drew.

* * *

Marina: Boys’ clothes are more comfortable than girls’ clothes.

Me: How so? Like, boys’ clothes are bigger and therefore more comfy, or they’re made differently, like out of more comfy fabrics.

Marina: Both, I think. You know what sucks? When you have a boyfriend and he lets you wear his sweater and you get it all comffed in, then you break up and have to give it back.

Me: Did you just say, ‘comffed in’?

Marina: [defiantly] Yeah.

Me: That’s as good as ‘mistope’. Or the fact that you can’t math.

She smiled. Her brilliance is wasted on our job.

* * *

Ann and I are going dogsledding this weekend, and we are beside ourselves with anticipation. We leave on Friday, but last Friday we had the following conversation via text, and then on FB.

Ann: A week from today, know what we’ll be doing?

Me: Driving.

Ann: Maybe singing?

Me: Maybe, but not me.

And I later posted on FB a question about where to get decent coloring books these days. How can Ann and I repeat our Minneapolis weekend of drunken debauchery without decent coloring books?

Friend: Body paint would work.

Me: No. She's a children's librarian. She'd paint me to look like a Muppet. I shudder to think which one. ;) For example, I got a text today that said, "A week from today, know what we'll be doing?" I responded, "Driving." She wrote back, "Maybe singing?" What she means is not singing freedom-loving, rocking, melodic road songs that make you roll down your windows, belt it out, and maybe flash a passing semi. She means storytime songs about gumdrops and lemondrops and rainbows and puppies. I feel the need to preserve that, and not corrupt it. And I make fun of her storytime songs, but she's a breath of fresh air sometimes and she keeps my other foot out of the gutter.

Ann: I am shocked that you do not consider songs about rainbows, gumdrops, lemondrops and puppies to be "freedom-loving, rocking, melodic road songs." How can you not want to roll down your window and belt out such inspiring and uplifting tunes? I bet the truckers have all been flashed before, but how many have been treated to a stirring rendition of, "If all the raindrops were lemondrops and gumdrops oh what a rain it would be!" And my current muppet favorite is Kermit on account of my new hat so I would try to paint you into a Kermit! Then we could sing, "Rainbow Connection."

Me: Ann, if I heard "Rainbow Connection" once in the last 25 years and remembered any of the lyrics, I might actually sing along to that one.

Ann: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSFLZ-MzIhM

Me: Okay, but then we have to sing the censored Count von Count song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-Wd-Q3F8KM!!

The subject has been dropped. We are now discussing restaurants.

And for the record, I checked Borders, Toys R Us, various grocery stores, Walmart and Target, with the best selection at Target, but hardly brag-worthy. Something is amiss when the “Coloring Books” section is full of sticker books and activity books, but no coloring in them!

* * *

Why is it that seminars/webinars that people put together for libraries are all so lame? Do they think we are googly-eyed morons easily amused by dumb activities and irrelevant information that fills time? If it's a 2-hour webinar about Going Green and the first HALF is spent exploring how much greener we were in ancient times when mankind hunted with arrowheads made of stone. Seriously?! Are librarians that nerdy that we need an hour on ancient civilizations and how we can learn from them to be more forward-thinking? Maybe my attention span is ridiculously short, or maybe we need to get a damn TED speaker occasionally. Dear Dog, it's like being on a library committee! Just. Shoot me.