Dirty Old Men Should Not Bother Dirty Young Women

Most things sexual don’t offend me save for a few really heinous proclivities that involve scat, urine, pain, blood or other such extreme. I don’t pretend to understand many of the fetishes out there, such as feet or shemales, but I don’t judge, and wish everyone well in the exploration of their sexuality, as long as it’s legal and harms no one else. There haven’t been all that many mainstream movies rated R or weaker that I’ve found to be gratuitous unless it was violent or overly cheesy. Pretty much, unless it’s a rape scene (which I don’t consider sexual, though it has sexual parts involved) or something so outrageous as to be laughed at, it’s pretty difficult to make me uncomfortable watching a sex scene in a conventional movie.

Today, when I was speaking with someone who went off a little on a rant about the sexuality in movies today, I was offended. He didn’t describe any scenes and he didn’t say any words that upset me, but it was the way he spoke that made me sick. First there was the lisp, which in and of itself isn’t offensive in any way, but when spoken by this man in a despicable kind of way, it came off as nasty. Second, he drew out the words he was trying to emphasize in a way that made it seem torturous to be waiting so long for the word to finish. Then there was the fact that he was about 80 years old and had just spent quite a while telling me about all the hot women in Hollywood, like Denise Richards, Sarah Michele Gellar, and Michelle Pfeifer.

He told me about nice movies I should watch, like Simply Irresistible, One Fine Day. (Gag.)

“You know, without all that NAAAAASTY SEXXXXXY stuff.” I just knew spittle was everywhere, and that was more unnerving than any movie he might have been referring to.

He said, “Have you ever seen the movie Wild Things?”

I thought to myself, oh no, that’s the movie with Neve Campbell and Denise Richards making out. Here we go! He’s going to tell me about how his god doesn’t allow two women to kiss, or some such anti-gay sentiment.

Wrong!

He loved it. He also liked Unfaithful, which I found surprising how intensely sexual it was. Then he started talking about how you could see up Michelle Pfeifer’s dress in the Fabulous Baker Boys, and she wasn’t wearing underwear. Also, he liked the movie Inventing the Abbotts, because there was a scene in it where Jennifer Connelly showed her white panties to someone under a table.

Suddenly I was feeling a lot like actual sex scenes were far more sterile than some panty-flashing that this man was describing. He was like a horny teenager who could list 50 years worth of movies that included nudity.

Then he really offended me by starting to list all the actresses he thought were beautiful, and all the ones he thought were ugly. What bothered me most was that this man was grossing me out on a level I haven’t experienced in a long period of time, and he had the nerve to think that his opinion about what women he thought were ugly were somehow thoughts worthy of sharing. The ones he didn’t like are ones who’d never flashed breast or buttock, coincidentally. Yet, he would continually interject certain movies that he thought were too sexual and offensive to him.

This is when I realized that overt sexuality doesn’t bother me. It’s when some dirty old man gets a kinky thrill out of seeing Sandra Bullock’s breast and then telling me about it, and then I’m ready to spit.

Give me the foot fetishists, men in drag, boys with toys, chicken-fuckers and gang-bangers any day of the week as long as I don’t have to talk to the dirty old man who likes to talk about his softcore fetish.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sandblast myself until I’m clean again.