Friday, June 20, 2008

He's No Swan!

Hans Christian Anderson was a dildo.

We’re all familiar with the story The Ugly Duckling and the moral it preached about how ugly kids can grow up to be beautiful adults, or some such nonsense. There are some fairy tales that I think are beautiful and timeless, and there are some, like this one, that I think are garbage. This tale is about the equivalent of saying that if you’re flat-chested as a kid, you could grow up and have naturally huge knockers, so don’t fret about being an AA.

C’mon, you self-deprecating, pre-emo dork! Can’t you do better than that? Perhaps teach that there are more important things in the world than being a size 3, having bee-stung lips or a six-pack of abs you could crush a beer can with when you do a sit-up. Gee, maybe it would be nice for a kid to know that being smart and having courage are two traits far rarer and more precious than having big blue eyes and long lashes to bat at your mommy. Maybe it would be nice if the little cygnet got his revenge on the ducklings by saving them from habitat loss or leading them to food during a famine. Maybe it would be better if the entire story recognized that the ugly duckling was not only never a duckling, but he was never ugly, either!

HELLO! Have you seen what a cygnet looks like?! They are the cutest little off-white fuzzballs I’ve ever seen, with pastel-pink bills and big, dark eyes. What a stupid fairy tale that is when you consider how fucking adorable cygnets are!

Okay, Mr. Anderson, let’s look a little closer here. If that was supposed to be semi-autobiographical, with the “ugly” bird representing you and how ugly you thought you were, but it grew up to be the most beautiful bird around, perhaps this self-pity fest needs to be crashed. This “ugly” critter you saw as yourself is actually one of the cutest animals in nature. What’s that about? You want people to think that you’re self-conscious about how ugly you feel, but you really believe you’re a cute, fuzzy cygnet about to grow up into a gorgeous swan? I’m supposed to feel sorry for that? I’m supposed to find comfort in what you perceive as a turn of luck that means you will be stunningly gorgeous, so no one should tell you how ugly they think you are? Oh no, Mr. Anderson. Go cry on someone else’s shoulder! We are not that gullible. And if you think you’re a baby swan, then you’re a shallow braggart anyway.

Dildo.

And to help prove it, here are my pictures of a family of swans I met at the Chicago Botanic Gardens. Tell me these things aren’t adorable! Mr. Anderson WISHES he was this cute!!




Tabblo: Five Swans A-Swimming


And, if you’re so inclined, I have more pics of peacocks, mountain goats, bears, lions and pelicans.



Tabblo: Racine Zoo: 6/13/08


I swear I'll write actual posts again now that my vacation is over.

3 comments:

Bria-na-na said...

OMG OMG OMG OMG peacocks!!!!! I want a farm of those! They are SO beautifullllllll!!!!!!!!! And the cubs grew! Aren't those the cubs you photographed a while ago? I still look at their pictures :D

And once again....webbed bird fee are so cute....they're so huge! Like they are wearing giant suction cups or something!

Gardenbuzzy said...

I totally agree about the swans! What is not cute about those darling cygnets?

And that peacock is just too gorgeous! You've captured him so well, HV!!

And that momma lion is indeed beautiful! That's an awesome picture of her!

Perhaps you should forget the frustrating library world and become a full-time photographer! I think it would work!!

Rachel said...

huh, I thought the ugly duckling was about how children who are adopted into weird families, or are born into families they feel they don't fit into, want to go be with people like them so that they can feel normal ^.^

(I do agree with your definition of Mr. Anderson...and the "beauty" of baby swans)