Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Trip In Our Brains

There’s probably little doubt that My Schwee and I have a hot and romantic relationship, rife with passionate, intelligent, stimulating conversations on more levels than a simpleton could possibly comprehend, right? Don’t hurt yourself laughing too hard at that. I think I’ve revealed enough of myself here that we all know I’m most entertained by stupidity and sarcasm.

Today we instant-messaged the following conversation:

Schwee: What you doing?

Me: Reading about a stabbing in the newspaper.

Schwee: Send link.

Me: [link to article about a man found stabbed in the chest]

Schwee: “An apparent homicide”?

Me: Right.

Schwee: Wonder what else it could be.

Me: Accidental death caused by flying knives. Maybe a circus stunt gone wrong.

Schwee: Ah, maybe!

Me: Tornado.

Schwee: A drive-by knifing.

Me: Yeah! Or a faulty dishwasher.

Schwee: I was just cleaning my knife and it went off.

Me: My chest itched.

Schwee: I was putting on makeup, making a ham sandwich, and the guy ahead of me slammed on his brakes.

Me: Wasn’t supposed to be loaded! Should’ve been blanks!

Schwee: I was taking a nap and the knife that’s been stuck in the ceiling since 1934 finally let loose.

Me: It might have been possessed.

Schwee: Devil knife!


Schwee: Playing on a teeter-totter with my pet knife and it tricked me.

Me: Could’ve been a thwarted terrorist attack on a plane.

Schwee: A nearsighted sandwich terrorist got him mixed up with a turkey loaf.

Me: Oh, the possibilities!

Schwee: I didn’t realize there were so many alternative explanations. I apologize for laughing at the “apparent” in the cop’s statement.

Me: Yeah, me too. We are so cynical sometimes. We need to trust the media a little more.

Schwee: Oh yeah.

Me: You know, I just went to the washroom and there were a bunch of dust bunnies on the toilet seat. Isn’t that disturbing?

Schwee: Why? Dust bunnies have to pee too.

Me: No, they’re bone dry. They have no pee. UNLESS! That’s why they’re so dry!

Schwee: See?!

Me: But isn’t it weird that someone would pull her pants down and leave dust bunnies behind? Does she so seldom pull her pants down that there are accumulations of dust and lint between her legs? Good thing it wasn’t spider webs.

Schwee: Eight legs straddling the toilet seat.

Me: No, not a peeing spider left behind. I mean someone who drops their drawers and spider webs are released.

Schwee: They’re catching flies.

Me: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh! Nice one.

Schwee: Thanks.

Me: Urinary spiders. Gross.

Schwee: What about guys?

Me: Penile spiders? Urethral dust bunnies? Ick.

This is what it’s like to be alone with the two of us. This kind of nonsense is fairly constant.

I have no idea what I’d do without this type of banter in my life.


Gardenbuzzy said...

My own particular favorite was "Eight legs straddling the toilet seat." Egads! I have as sick a sense of humor as you and Schwee!

Lummox said...

Ah, true love. Ain't it grand?

Happy Villain said...

You're my kind of people!

You do realize that if anything should happen to My Schwee, you and Leelu would have to adopt me, right? You're the only two others who understand, I think.

annie said...

You could always emigrate to Tasmania. We take all sorts. :)