Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Public Service Announcement

Were you in the women’s public washroom minutes before me last night, leaving behind the odor of burnt matter?

Do you have an STD?

Do you have a raging STD that causes burning when you urinate?

Do you have an STD that is so advanced that it is the equivalent of having a flamethrower between your legs?

If you answered “yes” to the above questions, please seek medical help. There is no reason you should suffer with a urethra that shoots flames whenever you use it. While I do appreciate that the economy might be tough and money might be tight, there are clinics and places you can turn when you cannot afford the treatment you need. Please contact your local hospital for a referral or your county government for more information about free and reduced-cost medical care. No one should have to extinguish her hoo-hoo after peeing. And unless you have a penis or some sort of directional tool to control and project your flame, it cannot, in my mind, serve much purpose.

Please, folks, don’t let your friends shoot flames from their hoo-hoos. Not only is this painful, but it leaves an unpleasant odor behind in every washroom they use, and it’s possible that they could set off the fire alarm and sprinkler system, which would effectively douse their crotch and ruin their hairdo in a very short period of time.

Flaming hoo-hoos: you don’t have to suffer with them anymore.


Sven said...

At the risk of using an outdated meme ... lol wut?

Dances With Books said...

That was my same reaction, well, after almost peeing my pants laughing (and yes, I am perfectly healthy, thank you). This is way too funny, in a cruel kind of way.

Happy Villain said...

Well, if you walked into the women's washroom and smelled something burning, what would you assume???

Anonymous said...

They had lit a match because they stuck up the place? They were trying to smoke a book and you caught them? They thought that "no smoking in the library" didn't include the bathroom?

BeckEye said...

Firecrotches. They're not just for celebutards anymore.

Kate P said...

I demand photo evidence of a scorched toilet seat.

Happy Villain said...

I never said this happened at the library. Good suggestions but public washrooms can be visited by smoldering hoo-hoos anywhere, and your guess is as good as mine as to what causes it.

Indeed. Unless I was peeing after a celebutard. Wow! My hoo-hoo was in proximity to a famous hoo-hoo! I can feel hoo-hoo greatness has been passed on to me. I have a celebrity hoo-hoo by ass-ociation!

Okay, you took that too far, girl. I'm offended. I'm disgusted. Hoo-hoo ashes on a toilet seat? You want to SEE that? What kind of pervert are you???? ;) See why it's good that I don't have a cell phone or carry my camera with me all the time? Imagine the washroom photos you'd get to see then. Which reminds me, I once considered taking a picture one of my dog's turds in the yard, painting some eyes on the digital image and posting it on my blog, claiming it to be a candid shot of someone I don't like. I should still do that. I could do turd pictures of SOOOO many people! And I could use public bathrooms instead of my own yard, which has limited subjects, but public washrooms have endless potential.

Kate P said...

I know, the skeptic in me gets me in trouble all the time. OMG, I am laughing so hard at your response that I'm crying.

Happy Villain said...

Oh, just wait until the turd pics show up. I need to get them before the snow starts sticking. :)