More Snips

Okay, people, if you haven’t been watching South Park lately, well, you probably have better taste than I do. Also, you’re missing out. Let me just say that Martha Stewart…no, I can’t say it. I’ll never look at her the same again. Did anyone else see the queef episode???

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Only at my library would some moron pry the lock out of the tampon machine and rob it of its quarters. Tampons remained. This has to be the funniest crime I’ve seen in my career here. Count yourself lucky you weren’t part of my conversation with Leelu and our painful tampon puns about the string of tampon robberies, and the contemplation about whether it was a rash of crime or a yeast infection of crime. Somewhere nearby, there is a heavy pocket, weighed down with an unknown number of quarters that belong to our tampon machine, and that person made my night far more entertaining than it should have been.

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I spent two weeks with a virus that caused me to have all-over aches, high fevers and debilitating headaches. Fucker. My doctor said to take Mucinex and Tylenol and hope for a quick recovery. Viruses suck. Viruses suck almost as much as malware, which kicked the ass of one of my computer’s hard drives. I switched over and used the other for a time, until Windows just simply disappeared from that drive one day and I was screwed. How sad is it in this day and age that I would prefer to have a meningitis-like virus running rampant in my body than any kind of problem with my computer? Things run now that I reformatted the malware-infected, but I’m still scared.

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Yesterday I was having a conversation with my brother about global warming and he mentioned a fellow named Dyson, to which I asked, “The vacuum guy?” This was when my brother went totally off on Dyson, the Vacuum Guy. “That guy needs to die! What the fuck kind of pompous, snotty, European fucktard can’t turn his fucking vacuum like the rest of the world, so he needs to put his on a ball?! Just lift it up and pivot like everyone else, you fucking loser! Only some bald, rich, idiot would do something like that. I hate that guy!” This was when I realized I didn’t have an opinion of Dyson, the Vacuum Guy, and his vacuums did not spark any kind of cynicism in me that made me think less of him. What’s wrong with me? I’ve always been the type of person who would look at people like Dyson, the Vacuum Guy and think likewise thoughts, that the world didn’t need a vacuum with a ball, accompanied by some self-patronizing commercials pointing out how one inventor can make a fortune on his own laziness. Something is wrong with me. I’m slipping. I’m losing it. My edge is dull. I don’t even know what to do but apologize to the universe and promise to try to be more aware of the idiots I have been accepting.

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Many people despise Google and all its Googley goodness, like Google Docs, Gmail, and my new, personal favorite, iGoogle. However, there are people out there like me, who are prepared to worship at the foot of Google and pledge undying allegiance. For example, I am leaving on a short, cheap vacation in a week, to visit Grand Rapids, Michigan, which is a city I knew nothing about except that they have butterflies. Upon discovering how very many people live in Grand Rapids, I realized it’s much like Rockford, Illinois, and that meant just because I found a hotel room for $40/night, does not mean I should stay there. So what did I do? First I Googled all the hotels in Grand Rapids and did rate comparisons in a Google spreadsheet. Once I found 10 hotels with rooms under $50/night, I checked out Google Maps to see where they were located, in relation to the places I plan to visit. Then I Googled the crime rates in and around Grand Rapids, to see what areas I wanted to avoid. Once I narrowed my search down to just a couple, I used Google Street View to check out the hotels and investigate their neighborhoods. Dude! How did I plan vacations before this? Not only did I find a chain hotel with all the amenities we require, it’s in a nice-looking nearby suburb, and they were having an internet special: three nights for the price of two. Google, I am yours.

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I declare, I am a big, huge, geeky library nerd. Earlier in the week I asked my boss if there was any room in the budget for some pamphlet holders that would attach to our slat walls. He told me he’d see what he could do. Today, a gigantic box arrived with four beautiful acrylic pamphlet holders for me, and I nearly peed my pants with glee. I have big plans for these pamphlet holders! They are so gorgeous and perfect, though, that I’m not sure they should go out in the public. However, that is what they are for, so yes, I will use them. As Leelu was the only one who seemed to understand my ecstasy, she pointed out that it’s like Christmas, except that I got exactly what I wanted because I picked them out. And she was right! I petted them for a bit, spoke lovingly, promised to never take them for granted, and I slatted them on a display with some pamphlets that needed a home. I admired the way everything fell into place so perfectly. And I felt complete. Which is when I realized I am a big, huge, geeky library nerd. And that's...okay.