Sunday, April 5, 2009

PSA

Dear Bill,

Since we have no real written policy on acceptable patron behavior other than violent and threatening actions, I am sending you this letter to iron out the finer details, which you clearly are unaware of. I understand that male-female interactions in a public setting are full of nuances and body language and vibes and signals that we may not even be aware we’re communicating to one another, but if you read on, I would like to clarify things and explain the unwritten rules of dealing with your librarian.

You may…

Ask the librarian a question pertaining to the location of a desired piece of material. You may even ask the librarian a few questions about a few items. When the librarian walks you over to the section you are looking for and cannot find the specific image you request, she may suggest you look downstairs in the Youth Department, where books have more pictures that are less complicated, which fit your need.

You may…

Joke with said librarian and look at her skeptically, as if your silver fox look was indicative enough that you should never have to venture into the Youth Department again. She will insist she is correct and perhaps, if she’s in a good mood, might bet you that you find it downstairs.

You may…

Place a pinky bet with said librarian if she is the one who initiated the bet.

You may…

Return to the librarian after finding the image downstairs and thank her.

You may…

Ask the librarian more questions about movies you might also like to check out.

However!

You may NOT…

Suggest to the librarian that you have more “interesting” movies at home, if she would care to join you some evening.

You may NOT…

Return the following afternoon and sneak up on the librarian, shocking her senseless when you place a hand on her shoulder to say hello.

You may NOT…

Touch! The! Librarian!

You may NOT…

Then ask the librarian when she’s available to take a lunch break so you can take her out.

You may NOT…

Leer at her as she stands uncomfortably at the Reference Desk, wishing you’d go away and quit humiliating her in front of Marina.

You may NOT…

Try to draw Marina into your stupid joke world by saying Marina told you that she has a problem getting to work on time. That’s not funny. You’re not cute. And now Marina is uncomfortably involved in this ridiculous conversation.

You may NOT…

Hang around outside the librarian’s office, pretending to browse the CDs and movies while she is holed up inside, not wanting to leave and suffer another encounter with you.

You may NOT…

Realize this, but you are not making a love connection here and you are moving quickly into harassment territory, which, if brought to the attention of my manager, he will be forced to take it to the director, and the director will quickly turn it into a gigantic issue that could involve the police, the mayor, the governor, a team of attorneys, your mother, your primary care doctor, your uncle’s firstborn child, a holographic rendering of yourself, synovial fluid, a hair from the decomposing corpse of your childhood dog, and possibly the NSA. So, don’t make me take this to my boss. None of us needs the headache of me filing a report. Reports are not good. Just move on.

Oh, and Bill, just keep in mind that people who are nice to you, like I was, are paid to be that way.

Have a nice day – elsewhere.

Oh-so Sincerely,
Me

5 comments:

Lummox said...

So. You were uncomfortable in that situation? I'm just making a guess here. You know me. I'm worse at clues than Bill. :D

Vampire Librarian said...

I HATE patrons like that. You have my sympathies. Hope this is only a one week event, and Bob never darkens your reference desk again.

Debbie said...

We actually had to have a volunteer banned from the library because he was harassing one of the staff. she had made the mistake of feeling sorry for him and loaning him a few bucks, and after that he wouldn't leave her alone. It was sad, because he was a good volunteer - he just got obsessed with her, which freaked her out (understandably).

Btw, the captcha is "thuglocy'

Anonymous said...

Oh boy, do I know what you mean.

I've recently come back from a maternity leave, and just last Friday one of our creepiest regulars came up to the reference desk and asked me extremely detailed and inappropriate questions about nursing my daughter. :P

Rachel said...

Thankfully, I have only had to deal with one of those guys... or at least to my recolection, I may have purged more from my memory. I escaped to the back as quickly as possible.
The only other time anyone tried to hit on me, it was a cute 14 year old who was rather nice.