Why Can't They All Be Flint?

Every year when the weather starts to get nice, and then throughout the entire summer, we battle carpenter ants in the house. Whether due to the many holes in the many screens, or due to the crazy number of landscape timbers used to make split rail fences, walls for raised gardens, boxes around various yardscape items, or the actual furniture and an arbor in our back yard, or due to the fact that we sit on 3 inches of soil and a mile of clay, or due to all of these things, ants are a problem for us year after year.

Me: Watch out. I’ve killed 3 carpenter ants today so far.

Bro: Already? Ick.

He said this and then stepped on an ant, squishing it. Different rules apply to these ants than do other bugs.

Me: I think it’s because of all the wood inside and outside the house. And the holes in the screens.

Bro: You know, I don’t have any bugs in my room anymore since I haven’t left any cans of pop or food on plates in there. You see me, right? I bring my dirty dishes down as soon as I’m done eating, and I don’t see any bugs in my room now. Except the occasional beetle.

We have bushes under our front windows that seem to be adored by a particular little beetle, which we have named Flint. There are a million Flints, and Flint is harmless. We address Flint like an old friend. “Hey, look, it’s Flint! Flint! Where ya been, buddy? We haven’t seen you around in about three minutes!” When it comes to Flint, we preach live and let live. Perhaps one day I will look Flint up in a bug book and find out what he is. We’ll still call him Flint, though.

Me: I have a couple spiders that hang in my room, but I think they live in the attic and come down at night when I sleep.

Bro: As long as you’re okay with that…

Me: Well, they’re just little house spiders and not the big, furry wolf spiders. And we have an understanding. If I see one, our eyes lock and I remind him that he has to stay in his area while I stay in mine. Then we just ignore one another.

Bro: Until you feel one on your skin.

Me: Ugh. I’m guessing there are little bugs they eat because I never see bugs, but the spiders seem to survive just fine.

Bro: You need a praying mantis.

Me: Yeah, but I’d be afraid he’d knock on my forehead early in the morning and say, ‘Excuse me, but can we talk about Our Lord Jesus?’

Bro (laughing): ‘You may think Jesus was white, but he was really green.’ ‘Do you know of any people who can walk on water? No, but I know plenty of bugs. Jesus was clearly a mantis.’

Me (laughing): Why didn’t they do that in A Bug’s Life? That would’ve been awesome! A male ladybug was cute, but a praying mantis zealot would’ve been the best. ‘The grasshoppers are coming?! Let us pray.’

Bro: He would’ve been busy starting religious wars. Can you just see the mantis standing in the center of a circle of other bugs, teaching them about Jesus?

By then I was choking, I was laughing so hard.