All We Need is Arms

All afternoon, Marina and I worked in the office and laughed at a group of Anime geeks standing outside the library. Two were simply emo-looking spazes, while the third was running up and down the street naked, waving his freak flag high. Well, figuratively speaking he was. Standing there on the sidewalk was this tall young man with a slight build, wearing a brown leather hat, carrying what looked like a cane, and donning the most ridiculous black trenchcoat, with pretend metal in rectangular strips adhered to the shoulder area. I’m sure it was his favorite character’s get-up, and this was some kind of costume display, but it was like watching a nature program on the Discovery Channel that exposes some kind of ridiculous and humiliating mating ritual of a lesser life form. This poor chap had no one to woo, though, so it was all the more pathetic.

We had many laughs at his expense as he stood by the street and posed for at least an hour. No matter how nerdy people from Libraria can be, we still have at least one group of social misfits we can look down on, and he was steeped in it.

After a while, they finally disappeared, though we would not find out why until later.

Marina and I both worked the reference desk tonight, and the freaks were out en masse. We dealt with them as best we could until we met one we simply hadn’t the emotional tools with which to deal.

He was not charming. He was not funny. He was not cute.

He was a douche.

So many of them are.

He asked if Marina or I could help him log into his Sprint account online, get photos he’s taken with his cell phone, put them on the computer and then help him upload them to an email he could send to himself. I shrugged and said I could try, but I made no promises that I’d know how to do all that. After battling with the website, which would only download the photo as a zip file, and the right-click feature is disabled on all the mice so I couldn’t unzip the folder, I finally had to tell him to move over and I proceeded to open the file, open the picture, save it separately, and then attach it to his email for him. It was tedious, and the entire time he was talking nonstop about how he didn’t know anything about computers and I’d probably have to keep doing this for him.

Lovely. So looking forward to this.

After I’d spent what I considered a sufficient amount of time trying to show him how to download, save, and attach the photos, he asked me if I could now show him how to send these photos back to his cell phone.

Are you kidding me?

I asked Marina to call out our resident gadget expert to help him because I was simply tired of him and his mouth. Then he pissed me off for the first time.

Dude: I have more pictures, though. I need you to help me. But they’re X-rated.

And he smiled at me.

I did not smile back.

I was not offended, but I figured they were naked pictures he took of himself, and the last person on earth right then whose wang I wanted to see was his, so I informed him that I had a guy coming out to help him.

Dude: Oooh, I see. I catch ya.

Do you? Do you really think you do, you booger-eating moron? Because if you saw, if you caught me, you’d see that I pretty much wish you’d start to strangle yourself with your own hands right now, and I sincerely doubt that’s what you see or catch coming from me, because you, my dear, are not so bright.

I walked away to help someone else, and this ass glommed onto Marina instead, giving her the same line about needing her help and having X-rated pictures to work with. She helped him with a G-rated picture and then our male coworker came out to assist him.

It didn’t take long. Dude didn’t have many questions, it seemed, once there was a big Hispanic guy with a beard helping him out. Go figure.

However, once our coworker wandered away, he was back at Marina’s side, asking her an assload of questions, and seeming to make up his questions on the spot. He tried to ask her personal questions about school or cooking, based on the website she was on and the book she was reading, but she shut him down and didn’t give him any ammo to engage in further questions. Seeing that he was getting nowhere with her, he wandered back to me, and by then I’d had enough of him and was giving him short, snide answers. In desperation, he started digging behind my monitor, where he found an old origami crane someone made, and two AAA batteries.

Dude: Yo, can I snag these?

Me: Uh, no.

Dude: Why? Why they here?

Me: Because we need them. [lie] Because they’re right in my line of vision when I need to replace the batteries in our doorbell. [lie] No, you can’t have them.

Dude: Whatchu need a doorbell for?

Me: Because we do.

Dude: So, I can’t have these?

Me: No. Put them back.

He pretended to put the one down that he’d grabbed, setting it behind the pencil sharpener, and I suspected he hadn’t actually put it back, but I was more concerned with getting rid of him than interrogating him. If it cost us a battery (whose remaining life was questionable) to get rid of the guy, then so be it. Indeed, I looked later, and he hadn’t put the battery back. Suave.

Dude then went back to Marina to ask her a barrage of questions about movies he couldn’t remember titles for, leaning way across the desk to see what she was typing on her monitor. I flagged down our ex-employee of the Japanese Batman fame and tried to engage him in conversation.

Me: So, Jeff, how’s it going? *mouthing “HELP!* *indicating Dude behind me with my eyes* How’s your other job?

Jeff: It sucks. *nodding knowingly* I was actually going to ask Arms a question about security. Is he around here?

Me: I think if you ask at Circ, they can find him. Thanks!

Jeff ran, seriously RAN, to Circ and within moments there was an overhead page for Arms and about another moment later, Arms came rushing through the doors for us, as fast as his broken leg and crutches could propel him.

(Yes, Arms broke his leg, and yes, he’s still pretending like he can be our security guard in his condition. Surprisingly, he pretty much can.)

While the Dude was glued to Marina and her monitor, I motioned for Arms to slow down, things were okay, and then I walked over to meet with him just to ask him to hang out with us, because this guy was not leaving, clearly had fixated on us, and Marina wasn’t able to shake him.

Arms hung out for a while, menacingly standing behind Marina and watching every move between the two of them. When the idiot didn’t get the hint, Arms interrupted and told her he’d come out to relieve her, because she was needed elsewhere. Marina bolted. I think I smelled the smoke of her burning her leather heels peeling out.

Strangely, Dude ran out of questions when Arms was there to help him. He said he had to get home and then left.

So, I won’t be making fun of Arms for a while now. I’m too grateful. Nothing like a 5’7” guy with arms bigger than the thighs of your average man to intimidate the hell out of douchebags who won’t leave the poor librarians alone. He’s so perfect for this job.

Once Marina came back out and the coast was clear, we talked for a bit about Arms’ adventures in Libraryland today.

It turns out the Anime geeks were chased off by Arms when he arrived.

Arms: I caught one of the guys horsing around with a shovel he found that the pavers were using. Uh-uh! Put that down! Get the hell out of here! And you, pick up your armor and go home!

Shit, that was funny. There are some people who need a bully in their life to kick their ass occasionally, and the guy wearing the pretend armor on his trenchcoat was one.

Arms: Man, there is nothing I hate more than those geeks. I hated them in high school and I hate them now. I’m gonna give them the biz-ness every time! This guy thinks he’s a hobbit, with his stick that shoots REAL MAGIC? I’m going to KICK YOUR ASS!

I was in hysterics. GO GET ‘EM, ARMS!

Whew, it’s good to know that when Freakday rolls around again, someone is there to hobble on crutches and chase them off for us. Our hero.