Sunday, September 6, 2009

If You See Him, It's Already Too Late

River was being rambunctious after some hard playing on the stairway with my brother, and he ran down the stairs, making a beeline for me on the couch, where I was cutting coupons. I managed to save my coupons from going flying just as he landed on the cushion next to me, and he flung his big, heavy body onto me for some snuggles. Before I could recover from the impact, he threw his huge head back, looking at me upside-down, and licked my face. My brother was laughing hysterically. There's nothing like being violently snuggled by a 100-pound dog.

As I shifted and tried to get comfortable again with this huge mutt half laying on me, panting hard from all the playing he was doing before crashing-landing on me, I managed to get his damn elbows out of the way of impaling a vital organ, only to be stabbed by his ribcage.

Me: It's not fair that he has a pointy ribcage!

Bro: At least it's not his elbows. They're like daggers.

Me: How can an animal have such dangerous elbows? He will kill you the quickest by stabbing you with those things.

Bro: Yeah, don't even worry about the fangs and claws. Stay away from the elbows! They're instantly deadly!

Me: One elbow to the right spot and you're a goner.

Bro: It's like Ninja Cat. If you see him, it's already too late.

Me: Hehe, that's true.

Bro: I think I've been thinking about Ninja Cat too much.

Me: Oh really?

Bro: Yeah, like that was the last picture taken before Ninja Cat killed that guy. Like evidence of Bigfoot.

Me: Finally, Ninja Cat caught on film! All these years we heard reports of dead bodies found, whispers of a cat in the area, but no one put it together until now.

Bro: All those unsolved murders!

Me: Now people will say, "Dead body, no evidence, no suspects -- must be Ninja Cat!"

Bro: And there's one detective who has said there was a Ninja Cat for years, but no one believed him. Other cops laughed. One rogue FBI agent believed in him.

Me: A Fox Mulder!

Bro: That's right! Together they hunt Ninja Cat, but Ninja Cat cannot be caught.

Me: If you just die suddenly, no cause, you're likely the latest victim of Ninja Cat.

Bro: If you get a sudden pain in a place where you've not been hit, that's Ninja Cat.

Me: You'll never see it coming. You'll just be a victim.

Bro: Ninja Cat will replace Lupus on House. Now every episode, before they figure out the real cause of someone being sick, they'll say, "He's sick? No known cause? Tests reveal nothing? Must be Ninja Cat."

So, now I can't help but wonder if my dog's elbows have been sharpened and used against me by an unseen and far more evil entity than River: Ninja Cat.

1 comment:

Bobby said...

Evil. Evil I say.