Monday, December 14, 2009

Santa's Naughty and Nice Lists

It must be the holiday spirit in the air because people are starting to scare me with their kindness.

A few weeks ago a patron hugged me and told me she loved me because I found a book for her that she was unable to find on her own. It made me laugh, but my suspicious nature made me check my back for a “kick me” sign or some other prank that had to be attached to affection like that. Nobody does that. Not in my line of work anyway.

Last week a patron gave me a beautiful yellow rose as thanks for the service I provide.

I had to throw my panties away that day. There’s just no good way to get those kinds of stains out.

Today I helped a pair of women find a recipe they were dying to find.

Lady: We’ve looked through all these recipe books, and we can’t find the recipe.

Me: I bet if I do an Internet search I can find it.

Lady: OH MAN, I bet you can! I haven’t had Internet in 7 months and I forget it’s out there.

Me: Wow. That’s impressive. I’d be in the library twice a day just checking email.

Lady: Well, we’re in the process of buying a house and it’s taking 7 months. I’ve been packed and living out of boxes and storage since May. I can’t believe it’s taking this long.

Me: That’s awful!

Lady: Yeah, so Internet is something I don’t think about much.

Me: Sure, you’ve got other things on your mind. I’ll go look and see if I can find it online and I’ll bring back what I find.

Lady: If you find this recipe…I’m going to kiss you. On the mouth.

Me: I better go brush my teeth first then.

I did find her recipe, four versions of it, printed them all, presented them to her, and she must have forgotten she was going to reward me because I reaped no such benefits. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Then again, I didn’t brush my teeth like I said I was going to either, so maybe she was trying to say something.

But again, what’s with people being nice and gracious lately? Is this the childhood syndrome of attempting to get on Santa’s Nice List at the last minute?

Fools. What’s the point of being nice all year and getting presents for one day when you can be naughty everyday and sleep in on Christmas dreaming about all the devious things you’ve been up to?

Christi and I were standing around talking at the Circ desk tonight and Rick interrupted us to ask a very important question: would you rather be a superhero or a super-villain.

Heh, little does he know that I am the Happy Villain.

Christi: A superhero, duh! Doesn’t everyone want to be a hero?!

Rick: Well, actually…mwah-hahaha…when you’re a super-villain you get to murder people!

Christi: Oh, I’m sure there’s a loophole for superheroes. I mean, killing people for the greater good works, right?

Me: Wait, wait! Isn’t there an in-between? Like a super-moral-ambiguity?

Rick: No! Good or evil!

Me: Well, then I’d be a lazy superhero who only helped people I felt like helping.

Christi: And we could sometimes kill people who deserve it!

Me: You know, there are accidents.

Christi: Yeah, like I could accidentally run someone into a building.

Me: Excellent! Like you’re taking in the bad guy and all of a sudden you drop him from 86 stories up. Oops, my bad. Bet that had to hurt. Sorry!

Christi: Exactly! Bump someone in front of a speeding bus. Oh no, I didn’t mean to kill you, really.

Me: There are so many ways around that. We could be heroes who killed. No doubt about that.

I know Rick was trying to freak us out by insisting that super-villains are cooler and he’d could be one, but in the end I believe the debate was won by the superheroes here.

Maybe I should change my blog moniker to Super-Morally-Ambiguous. Nah, that’s too long. But it does make me want to whip out my old South Park Happy Villain character.

And then I have to whip out everyone else in the cast.




(It is scary-funny how much we all look like these characters, and how I made these years ago for the Happyville blog, and they still apply, and still look like us.)


BeckEye said...

Interesting, because in New York, people get ruder the closer we get to the holidays.

Leelu said...

I'm all about the Evil League of Evil, myself. :D

Manda said...

Oh, an early Christmas present, seeing those characters again. I love them! :)