Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Full Moon

While Sunday was a full moon, I am fairly certain that the effects of the lunar lunacy in my area surrounds the actual full moon by three to four days on either side.

Over the weekend, I was approaching the water fountain to fill my large container that I use to keep my plants surrounding my desk fed. The water fountain lies between the men’s and women’s washrooms, and as I neared that part of the lobby, a man walked out of the men’s washroom still zipping and buttoning his pants.

When a man you are not interested in has his hands on his open fly, opening your mouth wide (in horror) is not recommended.

This guy smiled. What he was thinking, I don’t know, and I’m glad I don’t.


Later, one of my favorite, long-time patrons came in, and as he approached my desk we had the following conversation.

Me: Hey, Ron. Been staying out of trouble?

Ron: Nah, trying to get INTO trouble.

Me: Heh.

Ron: Hello, Trouble.

I’m so lame that the only thing I could think to do was laugh nervously and start twirling my ring around my finger. A ring I wear on my left ring finger. I wonder if he got the hint. Not that the ring means anything to anyone except me, because I’m the one who bought it for myself 13 years ago, but I hope that it gives men the idea that I’m not available. Ron left quickly, but I still had a case of the creeps.

While meeting Briana in the lobby Sunday afternoon, I passed a middle-aged man standing in the movie section wearing a women’s denim jacket with Eeyore on the back. Seriously, I don’t know what struck me as more wrong: the women’s jacket, the poofy denim style from 20 years ago, or the Eeyore embroidered on it.

Then tonight, Needy Betty called.

Betty: I have a question, maybe Nikki would be best to look this up, so if you want you can give this to Nikki.

Me: Um…okay.

Betty: If Nikki is there, that is. If she’s not there then I guess you can look it up yourself.

Me: Okaaaaay.

I wasn’t about to tell her I was Nikki because she likes Nikki and I didn’t want to be someone she liked today. She yammered away for about 20 minutes before she caught me.

Betty: Is this Nikki?

Me: Yeah, it is.

Betty: But, you didn’t say anything earlier!

Me: Yeah, I know.

Betty: WHY!?

Me: Because…

Think! What’s a good reason?

Me: Because…I didn’t want to interrupt you.

Oh, okay, that’s sweet.

Whew. She talked for about a half-hour, wanted me to research how many people have been killed by coyotes, a copy of the website created for the business someone bought from her husband, transcripts from a radio show she listens to (which aren’t available), and someone to listen to her talk about her tubal ligation for a while. I was texting friends, IM’ing Marina begging her to shoot me, and flinging myself dramatically in my chair like a bored child having a tantrum. When I finally got rid of her, she called back to add some more useless information to my night and request more irrelevant searches that she’ll forget all about before her next trip in.

After work, I drove home to pick up my brother so we could run to the grocery store for some mid-week replacements. He found frozen breakfast sandwiches with croissants and about wet his pants in the freezer aisle of the store.

As we were driving home, we discussed this at length.

Bro: When I get home, I’m having two breakfast croissants!

Me: Don’t you mean cro-sohhhs? Like the unintelligible adults on the Peanuts?

Bro: Why do they put all those letters in if they don’t want to pronounce them?

Me: So they can make weird noises in their throat and pretend that those weird noises are spelled with normal letters.

Bro: I’m going home to have some…hwah-HWAAAHS.

I was cracking up.

Bro: Sausage and egg…hwah-HWAAAAAHS!

Me: Sausage, egg and cheese…hwah-HWAAAAAAAAHS!

We laughed ourselves into hysterics as I was entering the drive-thru to pickup my prescription. There is a slightly raised area at the drive-thru window where the cement has sensors and alerts the pharmacy folk that they have a customer, but I wasn’t thinking about this as I was pulling out my wallet, and as soon as the tires hit the slight bump, I screamed out, thinking I’d plowed into something.

Me: Oh, whew, I thought I ran over something.

Bro: You did. It was just the road.

I started laughing hysterically again and he continued making fun of me.

Bro: WHEW! I thought I was driving for a second. Wait, I was.

Me: *coughing and sputtering*

Bro: WHOA, was I just breathing?


Man, I feel like I’m talking. HEY, I am talking!

The lady at the pharmacy drive-thru window didn’t think we were funny at all. I gave her my name and then my brother said something that caused me to totally lose it.

I’m picking up a prescription. My name is French. Its Niihaaa, wah-WAHH. And when we go home, we’re going to eat sausage and egg hwah-HWAAHS!

Tears freely flowed down my cheeks and even my brother was laughing so hard he could barely breathe.

So, we weirdoes were out last night trying to keep ourselves from peeing our pants, and I just know that the folks at the grocery store and the lady at the pharmacy were thinking about the stupid full moon and all the lunatics out and about.

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