Friday, July 18, 2008

Energy Crisis Solved!

The other day I had a conversation with a friend that somehow spiraled into the worst giggle-fest I’ve experienced. We were both wheezing from laughter about 5 minutes into it, and I thought I’d share it to illustrate how stupid and juvenile I really am.

For reasons I don’t know, masturbation was the subject.

Me: Wouldn’t it be great if we could somehow harvest the energy people create when they masturbate? You just know that there are some people out there who could power small cities on their own.

Him: That would be awesome! I read somewhere that the human body generates something like 8 kilowatt hours of energy doing nothing, but tossing one off must create something like eleven-hundred kilowatt hours!

Me: I’ll bet some people create more. Imagine how cool it would be if you just had to give yourself an orgasm everyday to power your own home. Really ambitious people could sell their energy for those who can’t get it up anymore.

Him: There would never be an energy crisis again!

Me: You’re out somewhere and the power suddenly goes out. Someone just has to shout out, “Quick, everyone, drop trou!”


At this point we were almost in hysterics. He said things I couldn’t understand either because I was laughing too hard to hear, or his words just weren’t being enunciated through his own laughter. I think he was talking about spreading this theory as truth through email.

Him: Imagine the email and blond jokes if they thought it was true! Of course, blonds get the email and they don’t check anything out on Snopes. Everytime a light went off somewhere, they’d call a friend and have a masturbation session to save the electricity! But they wouldn’t know the difference between the power being out or someone just turning off a light.

Me: OH! Blinking Christmas lights would totally throw them off! Rub – stop – rub – stop – rub.

After that we were choking and sputtering and gasping for air. My ribs hurt and I had to beg for a change of conversation to recover.

It would be great if the average 13-year-old boy could earn his keep by doing what comes natural. And porn surfers could create this endless loop of powering their computer to surf porn, masturbate, and then power their computer to surf more porn. Think of all the worthless people who have nothing to contribute to this world – they would suddenly have value!

I certainly hope that scientists are working on this. With both hands.

3 comments:

librarian nervosa said...

I hope you've told Al Gore about this. :-)

Leelu said...

But think of the poor people with no sex drive! What will they do for power?

We'll have route some surplus energy out of Nevada...

Magnoire La CHouette said...

Sounds awfully messy!