Monday, August 11, 2008

The Steroid Diet

Someone needs to break into my house and make sure there are no crumbs of junk food, no cookies, no cake mixes, no brownie mixes, no pie crusts, and no chocolate at all. I feel tremendously guilty for the amount of food I'm eating, but as long as it's fruit, veggies, and healthier choices, I feel a little less guilty. Here's a sneak peak at today.

Breakfast
1 banana
2 toasted whole grain English muffins with light jelly
½ can of Coke

Snack
1 banana

Snack
1 orange

Lunch
1 thin cut, grilled pork chop
1 cup of applesauce
1 bowl of peas
1 huge tumbler of ice water

Snack
1 banana

Dinner
1 bison hot dog on a whole wheat bun, with chopped red onions, pickles and mustard
1 ear of corn
1 can of Coke

Snack
1 banana

Snack
5 teaspoons of peanut butter
1 large glass of milk

Midnight Snack
1 handful of walnuts
1 bowl of pineapples


HELP! Who eats 4 bananas a day? I'm not even hungry and my brain is telling me I am. When I question my stomach, it simply says, "Dude, I'm worn out. If you send any more food down here, I'm going to return it to sender."

And then I reach for another snack anyway.

I think about poor Bernie Mac, who had sarcoidosis like me, and how he died of pneumonia, even though he was in remission. This disease does a real job on your lungs, let me tell you, so even if he was in remission, I would be guessing it still played a big role. I think about that and take my next dose of steroids, to stave off my current spell of the disease, and hope I don't run into anyone with a contagious respiratory condition. Or with a chocolate cupcake. Because I'll walk away with both, no doubt.

We better hope I run out of friut and other food, or there could be a case of spontaneous human explosion here, and all they'll find is post-digested banana sticking to the walls. Or maybe I'm better off with the bananas, oranges and pineapples, because it could be chocolate bars and French fries instead. And that would smell bad if I exploded.

Please, someone sneak into my kitchen and make sure there is only good food around. And take the bananas away. Five bowel movements in one day is a bit excessive.

And this doesn't even touch on the mood swings and insomnia. Crying fits and being awake 21 hours a day just seem to make me more hungry. Why is that?

The good news is that the swelling in my feet is almost gone, the pain is but a memory, and now all I have to deal with is bruised muscles, my swollen ankles stubbornly hanging onto the fluid, and the hideous scarring all up and down my legs and feet, making me look like my legs got run over by a truck. It will probably take about six months to a year for the tissue scarring to go away completly, but at least I can walk again. Which makes walking to the kitchen easier.

Dammit, now I want another banana!

5 comments:

Manda said...

At least it's all healthy food. I can't seem to keep that kind of stuff at my house. I'm just wondering where your other half of can of Coke went from breakfast? :)

Leelu said...

I, too, wondered about the other half of your Coke.

Maybe you should switch to a non-phallic fruit? Some nice, breast-like oranges, perhaps? ;)

Magnoire La CHouette said...

I go on altered mental status on prednisone...
EW! bananas EW!

Happy Villain said...

Manda:
The other half of the can of Coke gets thrown out. I can't drink a whole can when I first wake up. Amazingly. And I don't buy the junk food because if I did, I'd eat it. So I just don't.

Leelu:
Bhaaah, haha, yeah, as if oranges could possibly remind me of breasts. If you said cantelopes that might have been closer. Why fondle an orange when I have real monsters of my own? HEY! I could hide a banana between them for emergencies! Excellent! Come to think of it, I could hide bananas elsewhere too! WOOHOO! Thanks for the idea!

Magnoire:
That will come soon enough. For now, it's tears, insomnia and food. In about two months, I'll long for these days. Ugh.

Rachel said...

I was just reading about nervous breakdowns and stress and apparently eating bananas, because of the potassium, helps your body deal with stress better.
You eat so much better than me ^.^
(I've had teddy grahams and a burrito today)