Education

One of my very favorite people in the entire world is our patron Mitch, who can take any day I have and make it fun. Mitch teaches 6th graders at a nearby school and I have been dying to talk to him since I read in the paper about a second teacher in his school in 8 months being arrested for molesting students. He walked into the library today, saw me, started waving his hands madly over his head, whispering my name, and he came running over to chat.

See why he makes it fun? He’s totally ADHD and I love it.

In small doses.

Me: MITCH! How are you?! Where have you been???

Mitch: Busy! Kids! Work. How are you?

Me: Curious. So, I read in the paper about a SECOND coworker of yours being arrested for being a dirty perv. What’s up with that?

Mitch: Oh, I know! Can you believe that? I’m so embarrassed.

Me: Do you guys just have the hottest kids in the county or what? No one can resist them? What’s so special about them?

Mitch started laughing, thankfully. It’s hard to make pedophile jokes with a man who is both an elementary school teacher and a father because you never can count on anyone, even Mitch, to have a strong enough sense of humor to laugh. But he did and I was off the hook.

Mitch (in a lisping, child molester voice): Tell me about it! They are just so sssssssssexyyyyy.

My stomach muscles clenched so hard from laughter that I nearly barfed. Or was that disgust? Or both? Can it be both? It was for me.

Mitch: OHMYGOD, we have the cutest kids in our district. Our teachers can’t help themselves.

Me: You gotta bring in some uglier kids! You guys are getting a reputation!

Mitch: Yeah! New rule! No more cute kids in my district!

Me: Oh, you know, Sergeant here lives in that district.

Sergeant had been standing there looking frightened of how completely animated and maniacal Mitch was, and how he brought this out in me. He was looking at both of us like we were nuts, which we probably are a little.

Mitch: Nooooooo, do you have kids?

Sergeant: Yeah, I have a daughter.

Mitch: Shit, is she in the system?

Sergeant: No, she’s only 6 months old.

Me: We have to hope that she grows up to be REALLY ugly.

Mitch: Yes. Yes we do. Is she REALLY ugly?

Sergeant: No, she’s really cute.

Me: Oh no! She’s doomed!

Mitch and I almost collapsed in laughter again. I had the upper part of my body lying across the reference desk, hands over my mouth trying to keep from screaming out loud. Mitch was doubled over, holding his stomach. Sergeant simply looked back and forth from me to Mitch, trying to figure out what was so funny.

To try to stave off the ruckus, I suggested Mitch ask about his daughter so that Sergeant would whip out his cell phone and show him pictures of how cute she is, which did happen. And the two dads shared oohs and ahhhs, but not the perverted ones.

Me: Mitch, what were these guys like? Were they your typical greasy, pop-bottle-glasses pedophiles with furry mustaches?

Mitch: No, but they were both really weird. You know the kind of weird where you just back slowly away from someone?

I nodded.

Mitch: Really flat personalities. No emotion on the face. Both of them. Not friendly at all. I almost never spoke with them out of choice. They gave off this really creepy vibe.

Me: Figures. So, what are they doing? Do all teachers fall under suspicion and no one is allowed to teach alone anymore?

Mitch: The whole district is losing it. We can’t close the doors to our classrooms. If a kid needs to talk to a teacher, they have to bring a buddy. If they need help after class, you have to keep someone else there, in case. It’s CRAZY! We’re all looked at a little differently now.

Me: That has to be a weird environment to work in. I can’t imagine. It was so much better when you worked with the unattractive kids in that other town.

Mitch: I know! Oh, and on a weird tangent, with a totally bizarre segue, we’re having another baby!

Me: NO WAY! Congratulations!

Mitch: If I have another boy, I’m just going to die.

Me: Awww, don’t say that.

Mitch: No, seriously, four boys? How can I raise FOUR BOYS?

Me: Well, you’re already raising three. What’s one more? Wait! Sergeant has a girl! You could trade, and that way he won’t have to worry about having a cute girl in a school with male teachers who molest them.

Sergeant started backing away from us at that point.

Mitch: You know, I’d really like a girl, but I wouldn’t know what to do with one after having three boys. Another boy would just be easier.

Me: Oh, you’d love having a little girl. You would totally fawn all over her and she’d be such a daddy’s girl.

He beamed and said she would.

And so the conversation had come full circle and concluded as he sauntered off to find graphic novels of classic stories for his students, who just stare blankly at him, jaw slackened and drooling, when he tries to get them to read anything. Maybe this is PTSD from all the scary, pervy teachers at the school.

The only thing I know is Mitch cannot be one of them. The guy practically walks on water to me.