Thursday, February 4, 2010


Yesterday I took my brother to the dentist where he had a tooth yanked out of his skull, which was clinging for life by the roots hanging onto his sinus cavity. He and I have the same problems with long, straight roots going up into the sinuses so dental problems can be a nightmare. Mom decided to tag along with us, though I still am not quite sure why, particularly since she drugged herself with enough Xanax to keep herself unconscious for the one-hour drive there and the 2-hour wait in the office. The only indication we had that she was still alive was her snoring. She woke up finally for the drive home, and as is typical, knowing he had stitches in his mouth and was in pain, she asked him a barrage of questions until he indicated very violently and sternly that she needed to shut up and leave him alone. The drive home was silent until I pulled up to the pharmacy and she offered to take the prescriptions inside. Once she was out of the car, you could feel the instant relief in the atmosphere.

Bro: I’m not in any pain. I just didn’t want to talk to her.

Me: Can’t blame you. Hope you can milk this for a while.

Bro: Me too.

Me: Did you hear what she said about having to go in and give the pharmacist a message from her doctor? Doctors don’t give patients messages to give to the pharmacist. Pharmacists can’t take the patient’s word for anything the doctor says. Who does she think she’s kidding?

Bro: I don’t know. She’s so fucking weird, I have no idea why she does what she does.

Me: Was that an excuse so that I’d park so she could go inside instead of doing the drive-thru? What did she want inside so badly? And why would she insist she had a message for the pharmacist from her doctor when she’s talking to someone who worked not only for doctors, but in a pharmacy, too? I know that shit doesn’t float! She thinks we’re totally stupid and she can make up any idiot excuse for stuff, not even considering that her lies are not even remotely within the realm of legitimate, but thinking we’ll believe it anyway.

Bro: I have. NO. IDEA. Why. She does what she does.

Me: *sigh* Stupid people bug me. They think everyone else is stupider than them.

Bro: I had a friend once who didn’t believe in gravity.

Me: OH YEAH! I remember her! And nothing you could say to her would convince her that gravity existed.

Bro: Right. How do you think you’re sticking to the planet and not flying off into space? She said it wasn’t some force keeping her down, it was just that she had weight. I tried to tell her that everything has gravity, even she did, but she didn’t believe me. She said, “I don’t have gravity! Things don’t stick to me!”

Me (laughing hard): And you asked her what happens when she falls, that she is drawn closer to the earth, lands on the ground, and she said, “That’s not gravity, that’s just the direction I fell in!”

Bro: OHMYGOD, there was nothing I could say to convince her, too. It was so frustrating.

Me: Was she messing with you, do you think?

Bro: No, she just couldn’t understand it so she didn’t believe it existed. It’s not all that complicated, either. And of all the forces in the universe, it’s one of the weakest. Like, everyday you BEAT gravity. Every time you move. If you’re not laying on the ground all day, you beat gravity. It’s not that hard.

Me: There are days when I can’t move and gravity wins, though.

Bro: Hehe, yeah, but mostly, gravity loses. Wouldn’t it be funny if gravity was like weather?

Me: Like it fluctuated?

Bro: Yeah, like there would be gravity storms or it would suddenly increase. Warning, this is going to be a high gravity day. Please take necessary precautions and bring things to the weak and elderly who don’t have the strength to move. Hehehehe.

Me: Ooh, and maybe there were places, like at the equator, where gravity was really strong and people struggled just to feed themselves.

Bro: And other places where gravity was always weak and they were bouncing all over the place! Ba-doyng, ba-doyng, ba-doyng! Oh, look, I just bounced all the way to the store! Ba-doyng, ba-doyng, ba-doyng! Now I’m back home again. That would be awesome!

We were laughing quite hard until we recognized Mom coming out of the pharmacy and then all conversation and laughter ceased. We drove home in silence and when I parked in the driveway, my brother hopped out of the car and went quickly into the house. I began gathering my stuff and I heard my mother from the backseat starting to panic.

Mom: Would you unlock the door so I can get out?!

Me: Um, you can get out. Just open the door.


Me: So unlock it!




Me: Are you serious?! Really? Push the lock button!

Mom: WHERE?!

Me: Under! The handle! Like every car you’ve been in for the last decade! It’s right where it’s always been! Where you just used it to get out at the pharmacy!

Mom: Here? This thing under the handle?

Me (through my teeth): YEEEEEEEEEEEES!

So she flipped it and miraculously the door was unlocked.

I went inside and my brother and I waited for her to go up to her room, to go back to sleep off her remaining Xanax, and I told him what happened.

Me: It was like that stupid lady calling OnStar because her keys were outside of the car and she was “locked in”.

Bro (laughing): I…I don’t know what to say about her.

Me: I should’ve left her in there. Of course, I could never get into my car again if she was always going to be in it, so I’d just have to stop paying on it. Shit, repo that fucking car, and take my mother with it! Now YOU’RE stuck with her! HAH!

Bro: OHMYGOD, how long do you think she would’ve stayed in there before she remembered how to get out of a car?

Me: One…two…three…*crunch* The world may never know.

I have no idea what I’d do in the world without my brother, and frequently I find myself in situations where I know only he would appreciate the humor.

For instance, a week or so ago there was an accident at the library where a young man donating blood at our blood drive passed out, hit his head, and gushed blood everywhere. He was taken by ambulance to the hospital, likely with just a small cut, but still, it was an buzz-worthy event at our library and we watched it on the security cameras over and over.

While in the office, I questioned my boss about the event and he began retelling it, pausing frequently to wait for me to regain some composure because I was laughing so hard. Every detail he added made the story funnier to me. This young man passed out while standing in line waiting for his cookie. (HILARIOUS.) He crashed to the ground after giving his buddy a hard time for being “a wimp”. (UPROARIOUS.) While out, other people rushed quickly to his aid and the Red Cross workers seemed to be oblivious to the problem. (HYSTERICAL.) There was some debate about whether he was the friend who talked the other into donating blood or if he was talked into it himself, but we were all sure he wouldn’t be donating blood again anytime soon. (RIOTOUS.)

By then I was struggling to breathe I was laughing so hard, and I kept apologizing and saying I wasn’t sure why it as so funny, it just was. I wished with all my heart that my brother was there because he is the only one I know who would find it as funny as I did. Minus my other half, I began making fun of the situation with no one to join in the games.

Me: Was there a big puddle of blood?

Someone said yeah, but the blood drive folks quickly cleaned it up.

Me: Did they bear their fangs and slurp up the blood from his head wound?

Someone else chimed in and started explaining about contamination and needing to keep the blood in sterile containers only, which only made me laugh harder because they totally missed the joke.

Me: Or did they just look around feigning innocence and kick him under the cot. “Nothing to see here, folks. Happens all the time. He’ll just sleep it off. Now let me see your veins!” *hisssssss* They lose a few that way every time. Just sucked a little too much blood out. “Henry! Did you do that?” Henry is licking his bloody fangs. “HENRY, we told you not to get greedy! Now we’re going to have to kill all these witnesses!”

I was wiping tears from my own eyes as I kept going. Marina finally laughed along with me and the rest of my coworkers were just watching me in frozen amusement.

Me: Did you see that guy, too? He was like a buck-oh-five maximum. I don’t even know how he had enough blood to spare! And he had big, thick glasses and a goofy fist-shaped beard. I bet this is a highlight of his life. Most attention he’s ever gotten. Maybe he’ll keep donating blood and skipping the cookie and juice, passing out all over the county.

I took some deep breaths because I was totally losing it and starting to finally feel embarrassed for myself, but I kept going.

Me: I REALLY don’t know why this is so hysterical, but it just is.

Then everyone else started laughing at me because I was totally gone, totally off my rocker, and I eventually had to lay my head on my arms on my desk and try to regain my composure.

If my brother had been there, it would’ve been a half-hour of ridiculous back-and-forth, merciless jokes made about the fainter and the blood drive.

Maybe it’s better that he isn’t always with me. Especially at work.

But man, I could not have survived in my family this long without him. Believe in it or not, he is my gravity.


Anonymous said...

At least you got the right prescription and not a box of tampons.

Leelu said...

Did you count your brothers pills? Might be worth it.

It's good that your brother isn't there for the same reason it's good we don't work together: nothing would get done. :D