Monday, February 8, 2010

It Shoots Through Schools

After a wacky night and a series of goofy patron encounters, Marina and I began walking around the library minutes before closing, cleaning up and putting furniture back where it belonged when I spied something on the floor.

Me: Oooooooh noooooooooo.

Marina (sighing): What?

Me: It’s a Magnum condom wrapper. Opened.

Marina: Where?

Me: Right here at my feet.

Marina: NO WAY!

She came over and we both stood a foot from the wrapper silently staring down at it for a few moments.

Marina: Should I go get the grabby thing?

Me: No, I think I can handle this.

Marina: You’re NOT picking that up with your hands?!

Me: Nope, I’m picking it up with my feet.

Marina: What? How?

Me: Well, I’m going to try this…don’t laugh.

Using the tip of my left boot, I pushed the wrapper up onto the toes of my right boot, and with the kind of dexterity a graceless dork like me (who shouldn’t even be allowed to wear heeled leather boots without training wheels) does not normally possess, I not only balanced the condom wrapper on the toes of my right boot, but I managed to walk 2 feet to the garbage can, lift my leg up, and rotate my foot so that the condom wrapper fell perfectly into the bin. It was a thing of beauty. I threw my arms triumphantly into the air and loudly announced that I rock.

This entire time I was vaguely aware that there were two remaining patrons in the library somewhere off to my left.

Marina: Great, you got rid of the wrapper, but where’s the condom?

Me: Ohhhh, I didn’t think of that. Maybe it was IN the wrapper still. Or maybe there’s a condom floating around here somewhere.

This was when I was made aware that the two people left in the building were actually two little girls.

Girl #1 (giggling): A condom? Gross!

Girl #2: What’s a condom?

Me: You...you don’t want to know. Don’t you two have rides waiting or something?

They scurried off, the first girl still giggling.

Oops. Did I just introduce the word "condom" to a perfectly innocent young girl? Crap.

Marina: A MAGNUM too! You just know some little kid stole that from Mommy and Daddy’s supply and brought it here to show off.

Me: Probably stole it from big brother’s wallet. A Magnum. I don’t think even I have ever seen a Magnum. *sigh*

We laughed and made our way back to the office to gather our stuff to leave, giggling about how many condoms we’ve each encountered in the library, fortunately none being worn when found.

As we were leaving, I stopped to let the janitor know.

Me: Um, I just thought I should mention that we found a condom wrapper in the library but we could not find the condom. Just a warning.

He threw his head back and cackled. The folks at Circ were in hysterics. One of the clerks asked if I remembered the incident where one was found in the drinking fountain. Yes, yes I did remember that one.

Marina: Remember when I found one in the travel section?

Giggles erupted.

Me: Yeah, it should’ve been in 613.96.

Clerk: A condom, in the travel section? Of all places!

Me: Well, someone was really getting around.

Clerk: Yeah, going at it, I’d say!

Me: Or were they were com—

Pause.

Me: Never mind. I’m just going to leave now.

I left and they continued laughing hysterically.

Sometimes I think to myself, anything but poo, please! And then I get a condom and can’t quite decide what’s worse. At least it was just a wrapper. However, I can’t help but worry that the condom is going to show up eventually. I hope I’m not around when it does.

Points to anyone who knows the reference in the title.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Years ago, circulation found a used condom in a bestseller returned in the book-drop. The future-baby stuff was dried out but quite evident and as far as we could figure out, the condom was being used as a bookmark or a memento of happier times that the perv wanted to share with library staff. Since the book had been cleared before the condom was found, we could not identify the patron, hunt down that individual, and confront the pig. The book was, of course, pitched and circ clerks still wears gloves when they process the returns taken out of the book-drop.

Brad said...

Fargin Icehole

Happy Villain said...

BRAD! Hallelujah! Thanks for the affirmation. Someone else had told me they saw that movie once...ONCE!

ChiLibrarian said...

Someone put condoms over all the mice of Internet computers that were disconnected for a few days while we were moving equipment. No one knew how long they may have been there. It still makes me laugh to think about it. The jokes were many and varied and kept a lot of us way too amused for days. I'm not sure if I suspect a patron or a really cheeky staff member.... It wasn't me, but I kind of wish it had been.

Kate P said...

I am impressed with those boot skills. And, uh, a little freaked out by the number of "finds" you guys can reminisce about!