Snort

I am already sick of swine flu bullshit, though I did celebrate after reading an email from our director, which stated that he is monitoring the swine flu outbreak and will notify us if we should ever need to shut down the library. Hey, if I get a day off because of a widespread flu, rock on, dear germs, rock on.

My brother happened through the front room tonight as I was flipping through the channels. I would watch the news until they said the word “swine” and then I’d quickly flip to the next news channel. He eventually saw the pattern and started to laugh.

Bro: ‘And now for an update on the swi—‘ CLICK!

Me: Uh-huh. I just can’t take it. Do you know how many other diseases and conditions are affecting more than 64 people in the United States right now, and not getting any news coverage?

Bro: Yeah, I don’t get it either. It’s the flu.

Me: I KNOW! That’s what I keep saying! It’s just another flu! Nobody in this country has died. The variants of the flu that we usually have, the non-swine ones, they kill something like 35,000 people each year in the US!

Bro (pretending): But, something like 150 people in Mexico died! So we should be scared!

Me: Right, and the conditions and medical care in Mexico had nothing to do with that.

Bro: People don’t exactly go to Mexico for their internationally known doctors and hospitals.

Me: It’s a third world country. One of the ladies I work with goes to Mexico once a year and said to me that she tells people that if she passes out, just roll her onto a plane headed for anywhere in the US, because she doesn’t want their doctors to touch her. And she’s FROM Mexico!

Bro: So it’s more likely that you’ll die in a plane crash in the United States than die from the swine flu.

Me: No, it’s more than that. In this country, if anyone has died of ANYTHING, you’re more likely to die of THAT than the swine flu.

Bro: More people die of pillow fights every year than swine flu.

Me (laughing): EXACTLY!

Bro: Yeah, I won’t watch anything about it either. Isn’t Lindsay Lohan getting drunk and crashing a car somewhere? Can’t we talk about that again?

Me: I know. Haven’t there been any new developments on the Tot Mom? I miss her in the news.

Bro: Oh, I hate her. If I ever see her, I might just punch her in those big lips.

Me: Hmmm, oh really?

Bro: Yeah, they’re huge and she puts this lipstick on them that’s all wet looking, like her lips are bloody. But not red.

Me: Like they’re crying? Because they belong to the Tot Mom?

Bro: Yeah!

Me: I don’t know anything about her lips, but her kid is dead and I’d rather talk about that than the swine flu.

Bro: One of them died???

Me: Um…OOOOH, you’re thinking of the Octomom!

Bro: Oh yeah! Who’s the Tot Mom?

Me: See? We should be talking about her again instead of the swine flu. People are just paralleling the Spanish Influenza and the depression with the swine flu and now. It’s nuts. It’s been almost 100 years. I think we’re better equipped now. I hope we are.

Bro: Just don’t go to Mexico.

Me: Okay. Or play with sick pigs.

Bro: Damn.